Help Wanted
SEPTEMBER 8, 2007 Listen to this Story
- Help Wanted
The White House has had some vacancies recently. This week all but one of those positions was filled. While many of us troll the "Help Wanted" ads online and in the newspaper, those seeking a job at the White House may not be. But what if the White House did post their jobs? Weekend America asked some writers how they would advertise for help.
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General Call for Work: Be A Part Of The "In" Crowd!
Positions available in Washington DC-based government office. Must be skilled at typing, filing, and keeping mind-shattering international secrets to one's self. Rudimentary knowledge of the Constitution recommended, but not mandatory. Must be willing to work with a wide variety of conservative, male Republicans.
Positions open immediately, but feel free to make plans after January 2009. Further employment is possible if you are willing to relocate to Texas and are skilled at brush clearing.
No neck tattoos.
Must possess open mind and must be highly evolved. Must possess rudimentary typing, computer and phone skills, and be able work amongst people who look and think just like you.
Dana Gould, Former writer/producer with "The Simpsons."
HELP WANTED: UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL
WHO? Someone who has the gravitas, self-confidence, Washington experience, and bipartisan respect to stare down Chuck Schumer.Someone who is ready to fight like it's Florida, 2000, not the seventh year of an administration with low approval ratings.
NEW! PREREQUISITE: COMPETENCE, MANAGERIAL SKILLS
CURRENT MEMBERS OF THE BUSH ADMINSTRATION NOT PREFERRED (Mike Chertoff - sorry - this means you.)
Kathryn Jean Lopez, National Review Online
HELP WANTED: Secretary of Veteran Affairs
The US Government is currently recruiting for the position of Secretary of Veteran Affairs. Job offers excellent pay, three weeks vacation, and the best health care Walter Reed Medical Center can provide. We need to fill this immediately, as we are currently producing veterans at an alarming rate.
Matthew Baldwin, DefectiveYeti.Com
HELP WANTED: Chairman of the Consumer Product Safety CommissionDo you have what it takes to become a chairman of the Consumer Product Safety Commission? Duties include playing with imported Chinese toys for 40-50 hours a week, reporting any and all instances of choking or disfigurement, and undergoing treatment for lead poisoning. Patience is a must, as you will be fielding upwards of 20 phone calls a day from Ralph Nader.
Matthew Baldwin, DefectiveYeti.Com
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- Music Bridge:
- 1980 World Champion
- Artist: The Bad Plus
- CD: Prog (Heads Up)
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