Fake Calls from the Candidates
MARCH 1, 2008
- Robo Phones
- (Yoshikazu Tsuno / AFP/Getty)
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It's the middle of the night. You're sound asleep and the phone rings. It's not an emergency -- just another automated "robocall" from a presidential candidate. But imagine what it would sound like if a real live candidate gave you a ring after hours. Weekend America asked some writers to do just that.
Hello, my name is Barack Obama, and I'd like to share a few ideas with you about my candidacy.
Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now? Sorry, bad reception.
Anyway, let's start with the economy. When I am president, the first thing I will do is [unintelligible] interest rates.
Now, about foreign policy. I look forward to [unintelligible] treaties with [unintelligible] standing in the world.
Finally, in regards to health care, you can rest assured that I will [unintelligible] and the [unintelligible] everyone gets a pony. Now THAT'S change you can believe in.
Hi this is Barack Obama. Sorry to call you at bedtime. I'm exhausted too. I've been walking on water all day.
Sometimes, when I look out and the tens of thousands of adoring fans, mouths agape as clouds of gold billow from my honeyed lungs, I think to myself, "You know what I'm missing?"
Bill Johnson's vote. Bill Johnson you are my special friend and I need your support. You matter to me.
Hi I'm John McCain.
If you're hearing this then you've been identified as a conservative who doesn't think I'm conservative enough. First, I want to assure that you that this call was recorded by Americans in America.
You know what else is American? This whistle! Tweeeeeeeeeeeet!!
Wake up you chubby maggot and get thy butt down to the voting booth! You got a choice between me, Slim McLiberal and Goldilocks. Now am I conservative enough for you?
You little jerk.
Hi, this is maverick John McCain.
For years I've been building bridges in the senate and forging bipartisan solutions to the problems that face America. I've never been afraid to take an unpopular position, even in defiance of my own party. So, if you value free-thinking and open-mindedness, vote John McCain.
Hi, it's Hil.
Sorry to be calling late. Not gonna lie, I'm a little drunky Brewster.
What happened to us? We used to be like THIS. I used to be your one and only. You said it was inevitable that we would be together. What did I do that was so bad? How can I get you back?
Ok, listen. Give me a call sometimes. I gotta go. I love you -- I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that.
Operator: Collect call from Ralph Nader. Will you accept the charges?
Ron Paul here and I gotta be quick because the government's probably tapped this phone.
Sorry to wake you up. Were you dreaming of drugs and abortions? If I'm president you won't have to dream. Do you like taxes?
What are you stoned? If you are that's fine by me. But taxes? Shut up.
Ron Paul for president. Do you hear black helicopters? I gotta go.
Hey - You up? Yeah? It's Mike Huckabee.
Is there some chance I could still, uh, stick around? I realize it's not technically campaigning. And I wouldn't even want people to vote for me necessarily.
Or maybe if it were a vote, it would be done on paper, and kind of ceremonially tossed into an old shoe box. Hush Puppies. So, what I'm driving at is, do you have an old shoe box?
Yep, I know it sounds weird. Why am I even calling?
Hey, just wanted to know if you saw me on SNL? Compare that performance to my "cheesehead" joke during my concession speech.
Okay, night night.
Writers: Brendan Newnam, Rico Gagliano, Jeff Johnson, Matthew Baldwin.More stories from our Election 2008 series